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God of Fast Food
Summary: Two of the gods attempt to live normal, mortal lives. Hilarity ensues. (We open up on a tiny little room, with a small cot and bowl of cold water. In the room, someone is tapping at a machine, trying to get it to work.) ???: C'mon...it'll work...it has to work... (Suddenly, the door swings open. The kid yelps and flips around to see a man enter, looking incredibly mad.) Izanagi: Kagu, what the Yomi are you doing? You're being too loud, all the other gods are complaining! Kagutsuchi: Oh, I...I didn't know the Izanagi Fan Club was gathering today. Izanagi: What?! Y-you- Aaargh! This is why you're stuck down here, you'll just embarrass me and everyone else. Kagutsuchi: Mm-hm. I'm aware... C-could you-? Izanagi: You want me to leave? Fine. Because I'm sure what you're doing is sooooooooo important. Kagutsuchi: I-it kinda is- Izanagi: Don't even pretend it is. You're just going to disappoint yourself. (He leaves. Kagu stares after him, then takes a breath and returns to work.) Kagutsuchi: I-if this machine works...and I can open the portal, then...maybe... (He looks toward a switch, and flips it. The machine starts humming. Something appears on the wall; a small portal. It slowly begins to grow.) (Kagu's face lights up.) Kagutsuchi: I-it worked! It works! (Cut to the Dark Void. Everyone is playing cards. Again.) Eris: Anyone got a two? Kukulkan: A two? Nergal: Nah Chernobog: Nothing. Hecate: Nope. Daji: Nada. Lamia: Nuh-uh. Izanami: What do you think? Loki: Nothing, go fish. (Eris groans and adds another card to her hand.) Izanami: ...this is just sickening. Utterly. Sickening. Ereshkigal: Tell me about it and some of us are here longer than you because our physical bodies got toasted by that celestial lighting explosion thing! At least we can still do out jobs even in here. But these stupid chains.... Lamia: How long have we been here again? Loki: Long enough to be grandparents, I know that much. Eris: Grandparents? So would we win the award for "youngest looking grandparents ever"? Chrnobog and Nergal: Look who you're talking to. Izanami: Do they hand out rewards in the Dark Realm? (There's a beat. Suddenly, a loud explosion sounds through the Dark Realm. Everyone flips around to see where it's coming from.) (Right there, behind them, is a swirling, glowing portal.) (Another beat, as they take that in. Then, Izanami leaps to her feet.) Izanami: I'M OUT! PEACE PEEPS! (She charges through the portal. With a flash of light, she's gone. However, the portal is still there.) Rest of them: ...I'M GOING! (Everyone else dashes through the portal; however, Loki makes it in first. When Daji attempts to follow him, the portal closes and she trips over her own feet, smashing to the ground.) Daji: Gah! What the- Where's the portal?! Morrigan: DAMMIT! (Cut to the small room. Kagu is nervously biting his nails, waiting. Suddenly, the portal flashes, and Izanami tumbles out, landing on the ground.) Izanami: Ow! Ow! Freaking- Ow! (Kagu stares in shock.) Kagutsuchi: I...I did it...I opened the...I did it... (Izanami rubs her head, then gets to her feet.) Izanami: Where the Yomi is here... (She looks around for a bit, then her eyes come to Kagu. She blinks, then slowly reaches her hand out.) Izanami: ...Kagu? Is that...you? (Kagu looks down.) Kagutsuchi: Um...hi, Mother...I-I'm...sorry, for- (Izanami hugs him. Kagu stands there, shocked, before meekly returning it.) Izanami: How many years of your life did I miss? How much love did you never get? For that, I should be the sorry one. (Kagu quietly lets go and backs away, still looking nervous. Izanami softly smiles.) (Then, the portal flashes again, and Loki is sent flying out and onto the floor. It then closes behind him.) Loki: Gaaaow! Face! Broken! Son of a candy cane! Izanami: Oh. Uh. Hi again, Loki. Kagutsuchi: Do, um...you two know each other? Loki: Uh-huh! We were imprisoned together. All of us were chained up, and- (He waves his hand around, causing him to notice the chains are gone.) Loki: ...well, would you look at that. Izanami: Wait, if the chains are gone, then...are we...? Kagutsuchi: I...I guess it did work. You're back in the real world. (A shocked expression comes to Loki's face, before being replaced by a ginormous grin. He leaps into the air and pumps his fist.) Loki: YES! THE TRICKSTER GOD'S BACK, BABY! (Suddenly, a shout comes from upstairs.) Izanagi: *off-screen, yelling* COULD YOU CELEBRATE A LITTLE MORE QUIETLY?! YOU'RE EMBARASSING ME! (Beat, then Loki turns to Kagu.) Loki: So, uh, who're you? Kagutsuchi: Um...Mom named me Kagutsuchi...just call me Kagu...everyone does... Izanami: He's the Japanese god of fire, one of the few in the pantheon who never had kids...and also my youngest son. (Loki's jaw drops.) Loki: Wha- But- I didn't- You have- Other- Wouldn't that hurt?! Izanami: *flatly* Yes, it hurt. In fact, it actually killed me, but that's neither here nor there. Loki: Uh...um...okay then. Sooooo why, Kagu, are you living... (The camera pans out to reveal the entire room.) Loki: Here? Kagutsuchi: Well...Dad always said I caused Mom to die...which, I did...so he put me here. Sometimes, when he gets really, really mad at me, he takes the bowl of cold water, and dumps the whole thing on me. It's...it's hurty, being a fire god, and all- (Suddenly, the door slams open. Both Kagu and Loki turn to see that Izanami is gone, and the door is wide open.) Loki: ...oh, we gotta see this. (Cut to the last god, leaving the floating palace. Izanagi lets out a sigh, standing in the meeting room.) (Suddenly, the doors slam open so fast all the candles blow out, and the only light comes from the window. Izanami stands in the doorway, fury blazing in her eyes.) Izanami: *deathly calm* Izanagi... Izanagi: Aah! N-Nami?! (Izanami suddenly surges forward, getting only a foot away from Izanagi.) Izanami: YOU LITTLE CENSORED! (We see Loki and Kagu, peering from behind the wall.) Loki: Huh, I think this is the first time someone ever swore in this series. Hey, you got popcorn? Kagutsuchi: No...? Loki: Dammit! Oh well, this'll have to do. Izanagi: Is it really you?! Or- No, wait, I got it! Someone's playing the worst prank in the history of anything! Izanami: No. It's me. In the flesh. Still angry that you ran away the moment you saw me in Yomi. But more importantly...NEWLY ANGRY ON HOW YOU'VE TREATED OUR SON! Izanagi: How did you get out?! Izanami: Do NOT dodge the chewing-outing! Answer me: WHY HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING HIM IN A TINY LITTLE BASEMENT ALL THESE YEARS?! Izanagi: Uh, um...well, he killed you, didn't he? (Izanami's eye twitches, and she slaps Izanagi across the face and sends him flying.) Izanami: DID YOU NOT CONSIDER THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I LOVED HIM AND WANTED YOU TO RAISE HIM WELL?! HEY, MAYBE THAT WAS MY DYING WISH! OH WAIT, IT WAS! Izanagi: *growing angry* SHUT UP! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT RAISING CHILDREN?! WE ALL KNOW HOW SHINIGAMI TURNED OUT, DON'T WE?! Izanami: *twitch deepens* Y-you know, I'd still be mad if you had just left me in Yomi, but I wouldn't feel the level of anger I do right now. But nope! You just had to blame your child for maternal death, throwing water on him - a fire god - when you were especially upset. For that...I think it's about time Japan had a change of management. I'm not ruling, definitely not...but you're not either. Izanagi: What?! You can't do this! I'm the creator god! Izanami: What a coincidence! '''SO AM I!' '(She grabs Izanagi by the foot and throws him right out the window, sending him falling straight down to Earth.)' '''Izanagi:' WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOOOOOOOooooooou... (Izanami looks out the window, breathing heavily.) Loki: That...that was freaking amazing. Nice job, Nami. Izanami: Thank you. I try my hardest. Loki: ...so what do we do now? Kagutsuchi: Um...I guess...whatever you want? (Both dark gods look at each other.) Izanami: Not try to get revenge? Loki: Not try to get revenge. Kagutsuchi: Huh? Loki: Yeah, you might not know this, but we broke out three times already. All three times, we tried to get revenge. All three times, this ended with us getting sent right back to the void. So...what are we gonna do instead? Izanami: Um...how about this: go down to Japan, come up with fake names, get a place to stay, and then live as mortals down there and hope that none of the Rebels recognize us. (Beat) Loki: 'Bout a hundred times better than my plans, so let's go with yours. (He leaves the meeting room. Izanami moves to follow, then looks back at Kagu.) Izanami: Well? Kagutsuchi: Huh? Izanami: Are you coming? Kagutsuchi: W-wha...? Izanami: There's nothing left for either of us up here. You don't need to stay. But...you can come with us. (Kagu blinks, then smiles and runs over to his mother.) Kagutsuchi: I...I wanna go... Izanami: Then that's what we're doing. (Cut to them, on a sidewalk in Tokyo, staring confusedly at everything.) Izanami: ...it's at this point where I realize we do not know how to do anything. Kagutsuchi: U-um...I read some things, about the mortal world...I think here's what you have to do. (Cut to a ward office.) Kagutsuchi: *narrating* (though it's pretty obvious he's just continuing the conversation on the street) First, you need something called records at a...ward office, I think. Don't use your real names. (Izanami and Loki are going through the records.) Izanami: Okay, I'm Tatsuko Kami... Loki: And mine, Masaru Mazaki. You think that's a weird name? (Kagu peeks out from behind him.) Kagutsuchi: Little late to ask that now, you've made your IDs... (Cut to a bank.) Kagutsuchi: *narrating again* Next point of order, getting accounts at a bank. (Loki is sitting on a leather couch, grumbling.) Loki: Stupid bank, ripping me off... Kagutsuchi: How? Loki: Wouldn't even let either of us open a stupid account! Kagutsuchi: You...you need money for that. Loki: But I thought you needed an account to get money! (Kagu groans. Cut to a realtor office.) Kagutsuchi: *narrating* And then you need a...real-tor? No clue how that's pronounced...but you go to a realtor to get a house. Maybe rent it for the time being. (Cut to the inside, where Loki is trying to get a place. Emphasis on trying.) Loki: Watashitachiha 3ttsu no ie o karitaidesu! Agent: ...um... Izanami: ...that was the worst Japanese I have ever heard. And I've heard a lot of Japanese! Kagutsuchi: Y-you need to learn it. You also need to learn about Japan in general...like, you don't introduce yourself first-name first here. You don't say, "Hi, I'm Masaru Mazaki." You say, "Hi, I'm Mazaki Masaru." Loki: That why 'Nami hit me over the head when I called her Tatsuko and not Kami? Kagutsuchi: Might have something to do with it. Loki: ...Japan is weird. (After some beating around the bush, the frustrated realtor hands them the keys to a small apartment. The camera cuts to them opening the door to find it very small and cramped, especially for three people.) Loki: 'Wow....how do people live in these places? '''Kagutsuchi: '''Well we don't exactly have anywhere else to go. Plus rent's due in a few weeks. That means one of us has to get a job. '''Izanami: '''I guess I'll have to do that then. How bad can it be? '(The camera cuts to her in a fast food restaurant worker's uniform and with a sour expression on her face.) Izanami: 'I stand corrected, this is the worst. '''Customer 1: '''Hey lady! Can you hold the mayo? '(Izanami sighs, humans can be so demanding.) Customer 2: '''Can I have an extra large 3 cheese cheese steak with extra salsa and hold the guac? Also how old are you? '''Customer 3: '''How did you even end up here? '''Customer 4: '''You look old! '''Izanami: Are you going to discuss my age? Or are you going to freaking order? Customer 3: I just wanna know! Izanami: ...uuuuuuugh. (Cut to the apartment. Kagu is sitting on the floor, looking somewhat pale.) Loki: You okay? Kagutsuchi: I-I'm fine, just...never spent any time outdoors...kinda light-headed... Loki: Wait. You never went outdoors? Ever? In your life? Kagutsuchi: No...Dad never let...never let me...go out... (Suddenly, he sways and collapses.) Loki: Gah! K-Kagu! (He dashes to the phone.) Loki: Which one is it...um...9 something... (Desperately, he punches in a random number.) Voice: Hello? Who is this? Loki: Um, Mazaki Masaru? *to himself* Nailed it!* Voice: 'Whoever you are you sound kinda weird. Also this is the direct line to the Senju clan residence Master House, who authorized you to make this call? '''Loki: '''Um....no one... '(The person hangs up.) Loki: 'Rude. Apparently I called the Senju or whatever. '''Kagutsuchi: '''Just give me the phone! '(She calls the ambulance and they're taken to the hospital. Upon arriving the doctors come in with several needles and they give Kagutsuchi his vaccines. Another nurse comes in with a needle connected to a small container.) Nurse: 'We're gonna need to take some blood from you so if you don't mind- '''Kagutsuchi: '''No one...takes the blood...of the son of Izanagi!.... '(After the tests were completed and Kagatsuchi is all patched up they head to the cashier.) Cashier: 'Do you have medical insurance? '''All: '''Uh.....No....what's that? '''Cashier: '''Nevermind...do you have any cash on you guys? '(Loki sighs and calls Izanami up who rushes over and pays the medical treatment. Izanagi meanwhile is trying to get into the Tenji Temple.) Izanagi: 'Don't you know who I am?! I your head god! '''Security: '''Sorry bub. No ones buying that now get lost. '(Izanagi grumbles angrily under his breath. He knows there is only one person left who might believe him, Shinigami. He gets to the Mitama Temple and begins knocking on the door, Setsuna answers.) Setsuna Mikoto: 'Hello? '''Izanagi: '''Temple girl! Where is High Priestess Shinigami? This is a question me! Izanagi! '''Setsuna Mikoto: '''Do you have something with my mama? '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''Tsuna! Honey, is someone there? '''Setsuna Mikoto: '''Yes and he's asking for you. '(Shinigami comes to the door and lets Izanagi inside. she makes him some tea and they sit down together.) Izanagi: 'So, you're 'Nami's kid. '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''No, 'kid' is a strong word to say the least. 'Abused Pet' is more accurate. '''Izanagi: '''Oh, how did you end up out here? I thought she sent you to- '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''My friends and I left, she and the dark gods were planning an attack. We stopped them and we sealed them away. But there have been 3 escape attempts, one of which she tried to use my little Tsuna as a vessel. That went as well as you'd expect. She should've known better than to keep a tiger on an electric leash. '(Izanagi's face pales.) Izanagi: Um...about that...*takes deep breath* Nami'sbackandshethrewmeoutsheclaimeditwasmyfaultwhenIknowitwasn'tandIcan'tgetback YOU GOTTA HELP ME PLEEEEEASE! Shinigami Mikoto: ...what is it’s you're trying to say? Izanagi: She and Loki got out! Please help me get back to the heavens! (Shinitami crushes her teacup in her hands. She gets up and motions for Izanagi to come with her into the prayer room. As soon as Izanagi steps in Hachiman appears along with a portal to the heavens.) Shinigami Mikoto: I will deal with them myself, my lord. Izanagi: Be careful Shinigami. (He steps into the poral and rrturns to his palace. Meanwhile Setsuna is at the fast food restaurant for a snack. She looks over her shoulder to see a frustrated Izanami working at the cash register. She almost chokes on her snack at the sight. She runs back to the temple.) Setsuna Mikoto: Mama! You won't believe who I saw working at the fast food joint! Izanami! Shinigami Mikoto: WHAT?! Really?! Setsuna Mikoto: Yes! But I don't think she wants revenge. If she's wasting her time there. Shinigami Mikoto: Wwll then, let's take a closer look. (The camera cuts to night time at the fast food restaurant. Izanami walks out through the back door and begins walking back to the apartment. Unbeknownst to her, she is being followed. Shinigami and Setsuna silwntly shodow her from the rooftops as she goes home. She reaches the apartment and goes inside. Shinigami drops down followed by Setsuna. They land in front of the apartment's door. Shinigami knocks. Kagutsuchi answers.) Kagutsuchi: Who is it?... It's lat- (His jaw drops when he sees who is at the door.) Izanami: Shinigami.... Shinigami Mikoto: You... Kagutsuchi: Mother, who is she?! You know her?! Shinigami Mikoto: Oh she knows me alright. She's the who created me to be her pupprt. And I'm the one who sealed her away. She posessed my daughter and tried to kill me. Izanami: Shinigami, you...you're- Shinigami Mikoto: Answer me. Are you here for revenge? Izanami: No, I'm not. Kagutsuchi, your brother, he feeed me and Loki. We don't want revenge. We know what we've done. We just want to live out our lives in peace...I know you can't forgive me, and I don't blame you. I didn't do my job as a mother, you've suffered and broke from me. I'm sorry for everything.... (She slowly walks forward and hugs Shinigami. She begins to cry a little.) Izanami: I'm sorry....I'm so sorry....Pleawe just let me stay... Shinigami Mikoto: No, I can't. I can't forgive the things you've done to me and to the innocents. But I am ready to start forgiving you. Setsuna Mikoto: ...hate to break the heartwarming moment, but how did you even escape? I thought the place was sealed off except for the Ten Trigram Sealing Curse. Kagutsuchi: ...um...well, I found some books, and learned how to reverse it. I spent years building a portal machine. And, um...before you ask why Dad didn't stop it...I lived in a basement. He wasn't keen on checking up on the kid who killed his wife. But since they broke out of the dark void, they might have to be sent back, and I'll have to go with them. Shinigami Mikoto: 'I see...How are we gonna fix this?.....I know! '(The camera cuts to the Mitama temple where Hachiman appears in front of everyone, he sees Loki and Izanami and scowls.) Hachiman: 'You two... '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''My lord, please. They've come to ask for forgiveness from the head gods. Please, sirr. I know what I am doing. '(Hachiman reluctantly opens a portal for everyone and they all appear in The Celestial Courtroom. Seated around them are the highest members of the council of Gods, head gods themselves, Jupiter, Zeus, An, Izanagi, Odin, The Jade Emperor, Hunab Ku, Anguta, Shiva, Bondye, Dagada, Huitzilopochtli, Olorun and Ra. Shinigami, Setsuna and Kagutsuchi are separated from Izanami and Loki who are put on the stand.) Zeus: 'Let's just get this over with. '''Izanagi: '''So, what is it now? '''Izanami: '''We've come to ask for clemency. '''Odin: '''Clemency?! Bah! You two the worst when it comes to it. Especially you Loki. '''Jupiter: '''Why are we even doing this? '''Dagada: '''I say we seal them back! '''Loki: '''Please! We're not here for revenge! '''An: '''Silence! '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''My Lords, please. Let them speak. '''Ra: '''Fine. '''Izanami: '''We didn't break out this time, my son freed us. We've decided to live out our lives together on the mortal world. '''Olorun: '''So you decided to come to us thinking that we'd pardon you both after everything you've done?! I say seal them. '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''My Lords! Let me speak, as their defendant. '''Bondye: '''Is this necessary? '''Shiva: '''Isn't it? Let her speak. '''Hunab Ku: '''You confuse me, Izanami's child. You were one of the people who helped seal her and you've suffered first hand from her. Why would you want to defend them? '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''Believe me, my Lords. I too was skeptical of this sudden change. But it is change nevertheless. Isn't this better, to have them reformed, for them to have learned their lesson after being imprisoned in the dark void. I'm defending them since I knew if she could change, then I can forgive. '''The Jade Emperor: '''Hmm...You've given us quite a bit to think about. '(He snaps his fingers and they are teleported back to the Mitama temple. They all wait anxiously for the head gods' decision.) Izanami: 'Shinigami...you really meant all of that? '''Shinigami Mikoto: '''Why wouldn't I/ If we want this to end, I'd rather it end peacefully without the need of another escape attempt or anymore harm done. Besides, I think Kagu needs you now more than ever. '(A portal opens and Izanagi and Odin and their entourage step out.) Odin: 'We've reached our verdict. But first in light of all that has happened, we've decided to seal off the dark void for good. No one can come in or come out ever again, even if they have the power like you Loki. All portals and pathways to the Dark Void are sealed forever. The Ten Trigram Sealing Curse, can never be performed ever again. And those dark gods will remain there until the end of time. As for you two...Our verdict is to pardon you. '''Loki: '''Really?! '''Izanagi: '''Shinigami is right, change is better than imprisonment. But there is no hope for the other dark gods, therefore they will be imprisoned in the dark void for all eternity. '(He takes Izanami's hand and places it with Loki's.) Izanagi: 'And you both have my blessing. '''Kagutsuchi: '''I will stay with my mother. Besides, I to know her, my sister and my niece. '''Izanagi: '''So be it. '(The two head gods walk back into their portals and disappears. The camera cuts to Setsuna walking home from school and arriving at the Mitama temple. She opens the doors and walks inside, she sneaks a peek in the kotatsu room to see Loki and Izanami passed out together under the covers and Shinigami and Kagutsuchi sitting together by the door at the opposite end of the room. Setsuna goes inside and hugs her mother. Izanami wakes up and looks at the different pictures along the walls of the sitting room. They're mainly photos of Setsuna, her first day at school, her class photo, her middle school entrance ceremony and her slowly growing out of her sailor uniform. Izanami looks at her family and smiles knowing she finally has a happily ever after and the screen fades black.) Category:Fan Webisodes